


Smiling Practice

by altalemur



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Autism, Autism Acceptance Month 2016, Autistic Character, Autistic Creative Challenge, Gen, Mokona is a stim toy, Name-Calling, developing your own coping strategies, redinstead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:59:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6561973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altalemur/pseuds/altalemur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Smiling did not come naturally to Fai. He had to practice it, along with many other things, to fit in with everyone else.</p>
<p>This was written for Autism Acceptance Month 2016. To find some more on tumblr, search the tags #austistic creative challenge, #autism awareness month, #uniqueaspergirl, or even #redinstead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smiling Practice

Fai did not particularly enjoy looking in the mirror, but also found his reflection fascinating. He knew on a cognitive level that he was looking at his own reflection, but there was always that odd disconnect, a feeling that “I don’t recognize my face.” He didn’t quite have the words to describe why he felt the way he did when he looked at his reflection, but it was always a little unsettling. Right now it was necessary.

He’d practiced smiling on the way back to Ruval castle, but the guards had still reacted strangely. They’d tried to reassure him that he’d done a good job, but he thought maybe they didn’t mean it. So he had gone to his mirror and began working on his expression.

He tried remembering the curve of the little girl’s mouth that made her expression a smile. He’d focused on her mouth at the time. It still seemed a bit off. Fai shifted his expression slightly, stretching his mouth wider or thinner, exposing his teeth or keeping his mouth shut, tilting his head this way or that. After a good chunk of time passed, Fai remembered that it wasn’t just her mouth. Her eyes had squinted a bit. It was really difficult, but Fai incorporated his eyes into the expression, then his eyebrows.

Fai thought that he almost had the girl’s smile copied. It wasn’t the same as the smile Ashura always wore. Ashura’s smiles were barely there, just the slightest curve of his mouth. Fai thought Ashura’s constant expression, and the even tone of voice was soothing. It was never very difficult to talk with Ashura. Most other people, except for a few nobles, changed their expression and behavior in fast, unpredictable ways. When Ashura changed his expression, it was almost always just an adjustment of his eyebrows, an easy thing to follow. Everyone else made complex faces with their eyes, eyebrows, mouth, and many other things Fai still had trouble following. Their mannerisms left Fai uneasy. Fai very much preferred Ashura’s company, or to be alone.

The next day, Fai smiled for Ashura. The king changed expression briefly (Fai almost panicked. was he surprised? or angry?) but soon returned Fai’s smile. Fai felt encouraged. He showed off his new expression to anyone he met. From what he could tell, everyone really seemed to enjoy it when he smiled. What’s more, everyone smiled back at him. They became a lot friendlier toward him. He supposed that smiling at them must mean that he was less scary, somehow. Fai thought that smiling wasn’t necessarily a show that a person was happy, but was a way to show that someone wasn’t a threat, a non-verbal way of saying “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Fai spent a lot of time from then on studying the expressions everyone made, and how to make them. He spent even more time figuring out when you were supposed to make each expression (show which emotion). That was the hardest part. It was a lot easier to keep a default expression with a small curve on his lips, to close his eyes just slightly, to “soften his eyes.” It was the same as what Ashura did, and Fai thought that was good enough.

Fai never became very good at being happy, but he became very good at convincing other people that he was happy and harmless.

**

“ **Ku** -ro- **ga** -ne…” Fai rolled the sound of each syllable around in his head. What an awful, coarse name. Saying it was like rubbing his hand against something gritty. The name was somehow rough and angry. It seemed to fit the imposing, angry man in front of him.

Letting his mind wander, Fai toyed with the name. Kuro-gane, Gane-Kuro, Nega Roku, Gane-Gane, Kuro-Kuro. Yep, it was definitely the last half of the name that held all of the roughness. Maybe Fai could work with that… and the imposing man did seem really ruffled when Fai had called him “Mr. Black” earlier.

“How about I call you Kuro-kuro? Or maybe Kuro-pippi?” Fai smiled widely. Yes, those nicknames were a lot more musical to his ears, and much easier to say. Fai giggled when the big ninja predictably exploded in anger. This was going to be fun.

**

Fai tuned out all the other sensory information coming from the room. Everything was very strange and new, and he worried he might lose himself if he couldn’t find some sort of center. He focused on just the little cup of tea in his hands.

The tea cup was pleasantly hot. Fai picked up the cup from its delicate saucer and held it between his palms, letting the warmth seep in through his gloves. He left the lid for the cup on the saucer, watching the steam rise slowly from the hot liquid. He cautiously sniffed, but it was a pleasant odor. Fai relaxed and let the sensory information of the tea take over all his senses.

He held it close to his face, but rarely sipped from it. He didn’t want to drink it too soon. Fai wanted to hold onto this cup for a while. It was ever so soothing.

Feeling much more energy to focus, Fai listened intently to their hosts explain the details of this new world of Hanshin. Fai made sure he maintained his default, gentle but lazy smile. A few glances let him know that none of the others were particularly paying attention to him. Even their hosts were mostly watching the loud and obvious Kurogane.

**

Travelling from one world to the next was fantastic. Fai thought he adapted quickly to each new world. Syaoran wasn’t very far behind, when he’d been to a similar country before. But Fai was used to being the strange one in a crowd. He was used to not being comfortable, to spend a lot of mental energy on analyzing the expressions and behaviors of people around him. For once, that was an advantage. 

Kurogane seemed to have the worst time of it. Fai thought that Kurogane was probably very well suited to his home world. No wonder he so desperately wanted to go back. It was almost gratifying for Fai to find himself the most sociable one in a group, or almost.

Once Sakura was awake long enough to talk with people, she instantly befriended everyone. It wasn’t even a matter of practice, like it was for Fai. Sakura had almost no memories. She was somehow naturally empathetic and friendly with no effort. Fai would be envious, except it was impossible to resent the princess even a little.

**

Fai missed the texture of Chi’s ears. They were soft all around, with velvet on one side and long, soft hair on the other side. The thickness of her ears, like a cat or dog, would taper to the tip very gently. It was soothing to rub gently on one spot, or to stroke the entire ear. After particularly stressful days, Fai would sit for hours worrying at Chi’s ears or running his hands through her hair. Chi enjoyed the attention Fai gave to her. After all, he had made her.

Fai kept his gloves on whenever possible, ever since he’d learned that he could wear gloves. Too many textures were too rough or brittle. But he enjoyed occasionally taking his gloves off to touch, caress, or worry at soft things. Celes had been filled with fur trimmed house robes, plush furry toys for children, and very fluffy blankets. Fai enjoyed all of them, as well as Chi’s company, whenever he was alone. He was more self-conscious of worrying at the fluffy fur trim of his sleeve when around other people.

Textures were one of the things that were a lot more difficult when travelling across dimensions. Many of the worlds were too warm to wear his long black gloves to avoid rough textures, or to hide his hands in his fur trimmed sleeves to worry at the inside of it. Even in the worlds were it was not too hot, no local was in the custom of wearing gloves. 

It left Fai in a difficult situation. He could insist on his gloves, and then stand out, or he could go without and deal with uncomfortable or painful tactile pressure against sensitive hands all day. The first option left Fai feeling exposed and unsafe. The second option left him tired and irritable by the end of the day. It started to look like this would be a very long and painful trip for Fai.

Just as Fai’s mood was hitting a low, Mokona provided an unexpected relief. Mokona seemed to notice Fai’s exhaustion and pain in a world he’d chosen to not wear his gloves. Mokona seemed to be rather sensitive to the moods of her companions, so it wasn’t too surprising when she approached Fai. This time, she leaped into Fai’s arms and demanded to be held. As Fai’s thoughts wondered, he began gently stroking her ears the way he used to stroke Chi’s. After worrying at Mokona’s ears for a few minutes, Fai realized what he was doing and stopped.

“I’m so sorry, Mokona! I didn’t mean to rub your ears like that. I was, um…” Fai’s mind scrambled at a possible explanation that wasn’t too embarrassing.

Mokona just giggled and snuggled more against Fai’s hold. “Mokona is happy to make Fai happy. And also, Mokona likes being tickled and pet! Mokona has lots of fans because Mokona has super soft fur and cute ears.”

Fai hesitated a moment, but then run his fingers through the fur between her ears. Mokona giggled again and seemed to enjoy it. A rare genuine smile spread across Fai’s face.

“I suppose if you don’t mind… Thank you, Mokona.”

“No problem! If Fai ever needs Mokona to feel better, Mokona is there for her friend!”

Mokona winked at Fai. The two of them spent quite a while like that, Fai quietly petting Mokona’s soft fur, until the mage felt like he had regained all the energy he had spent during the day. By slow increments, Fai became more calm and happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Except in rare cases when an autistic person writes an autistic character, I never consider a character “canon autistic.” That said, I am all for autistic or other neurodivergent people in the fandom interpreting a character as neurodivergent. A lot of Fai’s character, especially the story of how he learned to smile, reminded me of my own experience of having to learn how to immitate facial expressions. Fai doesn’t just remind me of an autistic person, he reminds me of AN AUTISTIC WOMAN. Autistic women (and afab people) are often given the instruction that they should walk through life fake smiling and being very nice, people-pleasers, or else their safety is forfeit. In this way, Fai’s behavior and mannerisms reminds me of autistic women and my own experiences.


End file.
